How to grow a friend

A sourdough starter guide you didn't need but now you do

So, I was really bored. I took care of my plants, but I wanted something more, something more to take care of. I already have two cats (and my mum won’t let me have more), I’m not a dog person, I’m not rich, so I couldn’t get a horse and I was seriously thinking about domesticating a fox but again my mum wouldn’t let me. So, I grew a bunch of yeast and called it my friend. Here’s how to grow your own sourdough starter with the real tea.

Honestly, I just watched one (1) Youtube video and read one (1) post of a blog that is literally dedicated to bread and baking and tell you how that works. I’m not a professional. Really not.

They always suggest to use wholegrain flour and always point out that it must not be bleached. Also, they said don’t use organic flour, bc of enzymes blabla. And only use the wholegrain in day one and then use white flour.

Well here’s what I did:

I used organic, half-wholegrain flour all the time. And it worked. So suck my ass. No, when I started, I thought you could only use wheat. And we had only this stuff at home, bc I wasn’t actually going to go out and buy flour. I was going to make my friend from the stuff I had in my house or I didn’t want him.

Turns out you can use probably any grain you want. Maybe not rice. But who knows? Try it.

You also need a jar. Any jar big enough. Your friend won’t mind in what vessel you put him.

1. Day (9.6)

The amounts vary. I just always used 60gr water and 60gr flour. You stir it up all nice, maybe add some water. Then let him chill. The yeast that are everywhere, on the flour, in the air, on your utensils are going to react. The first day I didn’t notice any changes. He smelled like flour with water.

2. Day (10.6)

The second day you can feed him. Pour half of your friend away and fill again with the same amount like yesterday. You can also just let him hunger. I did that. I wanted a friend that knew how to be humble. Now I would mark where your friend is bc now me might rise. Then you can see how much he swells up.

3. Day (11.6)

Third day. My boy was a stinky boy. Very unpleasant. But do not fret. Your friend is in puberty now and they all stink. Mine rose and fell together. Feed him to show him love. Then leave him be to brood over his existence. (To feed you throw away half of its stuff to assert your dominance and then to please him, give him 60gr water and 60gr flour (always stir well))

4. Day (12.6)

Fourth day. The smell got even worse. I suggest to feed and discard him outside to not make your whole family throw up and develop negative feelings towards you or your friend. I had to transport my friend via car bc I was going away for a few days and I wasn’t going to let my brother take care of my precious, abominably stinking friend. So, he was shaken, not stirred. For the next few days, I didn’t notice him rise and I blame the journey for it. A new environment, when he was just about to settle in, is just not a good idea. Btw again throw half away (they always say to keep the acid level going whatever, just do it) and feed it with that good carbohydrates and H20.

5. Day (13.6)

First day in new environment, he was very upset, he stunk. I couldn’t smell him without gagging. Do not worry. I think bc mine is an organic boy, he is just very stinky. Just to piss me off he barely moved. Little bastard. (Always throw half of him away and give him new toys (water and flour))

6. Day (14.6)

I had to move him again. On the first journey I made sure he wasn’t flipped over or too much moved but this time I just threw him in my bag and showed him what I was going to do if he wasn’t going to behave. So, he was well shaken and I think he learned his lesson.

7. Day (15.6)

My boy wasn’t as stinky as he used to. I think he missed his home. Still not very much rising.

All the guide told me it only was going to take seven days and bc I still didn’t see much of rising I kept going bc he just wasn’t ready.

If your friends are ready after seven days. Congratulations, you have successfully raised a personal yeasty friend. For all the other bad parents like me who haven’t managed after seven days, just keep going.

8. Day (16.6)

I actually didn’t notice that a week has already passed, just when I wrote this down, I realised it, lol. My boy smelled nice and rose quite decently. I was very happy that he finally snapped out of it. Of course, showered him in affection. And kept going bc I’m a big dummy and didn’t notice that the week was over.

9. Day (17.6)

The day that I thought, you know what, that’d be fun to write down and write a guide for all the others who need a friend of yeast. The smell I would describe as you know fresh yeast you can buy or the granulated form with a bit of sourness. Not like a lemon but a yogurt and a bit more. You know that bacteria sourness. Mhh them good lactobacillus. Cuz that’s what you want.

I did it. With minimal knowledge and a lot of bad smells. I got myself a yeast friend. And I’ll call him my friend. At first, I wanted to name him Yelena, bc I was watching a Russian documentary when I started but he doesn’t feel like a Yelena. He’s my friend. That’s it.

My first post in like over two months. Lol.

Now if you’re not a maniac bread baker pop that lil bad boy in the fridge, so you’ve got to feed it only once a week. I know doesn’t make much sense to banish your friend into the fridge but c’mon. You open your fridge all the time, you’ll get to see him plenty. Also, are you really up to waste so much flour, that’s not very environmentally friendly mate. I thought better of you.